Lost and never found!!

Seven of us in the gated community we live in (Vista) were pilloried for a couple of weeks - they called the process persuasion.  We were being coercively-cajoled into being members of the Management Committee (MC) for the coming year.  In February, even before the nebulous contours of our potential responsibilities got a semblance of definition, we got bulldozed into a `unanimous election process'.  In short order, we were led like lambs for slaughter to a platform for the community to hail the outcome.

While various other initiatives have been worked on with the knowledge of the residents, we kept one from their prying eyes till now and recently we decided to share this info with them.  The following communication was the means through which the dissemination took place:

"We think it is time to share with the community this information, lifting the curtain on a rather secretive project that has been undertaken by some members of the current MC.  If a member of the team was caught snooping around late in the night, during what looked like a regular post-prandial stroll or a couple of members were found suspiciously inspecting nooks and corners no self-respecting member of the community would have been seen in, there was always a good reason for that.  We have been doubling up as sleuths, voluntarily taking on the undeclared responsibility of restoring lost items to their rightful owners.  We thought we would keep this under the wraps and see the joy on the faces of the `missers' when we restored their 'missings' to them.   While the intentions have been very good, the results have not been very heartening, we should admit.  And herein lies the rub.

One of the things we did on priority when we took over was to check the email database and tabulate all the items mentioned as lost during the past few years.  What we found was staggering, to say the least.  Here goes:

-- Cricket bats which could have been used by about 5 full teams were reported missing.  We suspect that the bats have become part of a sustainable fuels related project, at the behest of someone who is partial to football.  I am sure he thought that the bats were being put to better use, after having seen the quality cricket games in Vista!! (Villas 1X7, X1, X3 and all the others,  take heart; we have not given up; we are made
of stronger stuff than that).

-- A couple of villas reported duplicate key bunches were missing.  It has been a few years since then.
Our immediate endeavour was to ensure that the owners were not standing outside the front door, stranded and waiting for the keys to surface.  Of course, we realised Vista residents are smarter than that - they must have quickly resorted to other solutions. (Villa X3 was one of the two, I think.  The other owner one probably moved residence!).

-- Quite a few people had lost umbrellas, shoes, slippers, sandals.  The team found, to its dismay, that information on the missing items in the database was neither adequate in terms of size, colour, brand etc nor graphic enough to enable differentiation amongst a whole lot of umbrellas and footwear we found invitingly lying around or attached to various residents.  (Sorry,  Villas XX7, X8, X1  - while we pursued
our search vigorously, there was very little hope because such items didnt seem to carry distinct identities, without which, you will agree, we were helpless!)

-- The most interesting missing item I personally identified was some `thread'; owner of Villa X5 had reported this.  Since the date of reporting was very close to Aavani Avittam, we patted ourselves on our backs for our sleuthing abilities and went about looking for `that type of thread'; but to no avail; we do hope he found the thread and did the right thing on that and subsequent Aavani Avittams.  Kudos to owner of V X5 - way to go, it takes courage to report this kind of loss!

-- We found that the owner of V 14X was identified with at least 3 different missing items; a cycle, a blackberry and something else.  We are asking her to hire her own detective team, for her past and future requirements, due to the inviolable rule that we cannot devote too much time on one household.

-- Now, we found some very baffling statements, in the process.  Mrs. S was missing children's play area; somebody was missing the `blue swimming pool' (I know that during our reign it had turned a bit green for a while, but we are saddened by this tendency of people to go to the extreme); someone seemed to indicate that he/she was missing the lake (we understand it was covered by water hyacinth but we swear we could see water here and there.  And, with Mr.N as the custodian, any attempt to physically transplant the lake would be a non-starter, you will agree!!).  We confess, we did not even go around looking for these items. 

-- Then came the absolute impossibles; these various items were listed in the context of `missing' things - `energy and enthusiasm', `human relationships and interactions', `big picture' (this was very dicey; we could not make out whether a very big picture was actually involved in this) etc etc.  While our smart team could hope to put its arms around `real' missing items, even we could not look for abstract things like these; so, we diligently and wisely excluded these items from our list, right at the beginning.  We did the next best thing to finding these - discussed this threadbare in a meeting for about 3 hours and concluded with deep sighs and huge headshakes.

-- There were a couple of inexplicable items with references to missing paras from some email message and the missing page of a passport with a visa stamp.  Well, well - when we reached these, we figured what faced us was a daunting and uphill task and decided to wind up our expedition, without further ado.  The only thing we could do was to write this note, so the community at least came abreast of our intent.  We agree, we do not have too much to show for our efforts. 

Signed by PV
Not on behalf of the MC

PS:  As usual, my severest critic of all times , who lives in my household and goes into the `teacher' mode with me whenever she gets an opportunity, told me that it is inappropriate to indicate the age of people I have named.  She had just passed me by (that is very normal), casting a look at this note and catching the vague outline of the numbers against the names.  Before I could clarify that those are villa numbers, she had deducted 10 marks from my score for the day and gone to work!!

Interested in this retainer contract??

`Arre, tumhara naam Varadarajan hai ki nahin; mai khali number confirm karne ke liye phone kar rahaa hun' said an oily voice, with a hint of impatience because, as usual, I was trying to dance around the periphery

with the call from an unknown number, prompting the caller to repeat his query for the third time.  By now, I was not only irritated with the intrusion but was galled by the rudeness of the individual.  I disconnected

without answering the question and started to read through the article on the betting scandal haunting the Pakistan Cricket team.

I had just returned after the Sunday cricket game inside Adarsh Vista, the community in which I live now -capped by a last ball win I had personally handed over to the opponents.  I had the ball in my hand and had coolly run 5 yards towards the wicket and was close enough to crash the ball into the stumps with the batsman nowhere in sight; and at the last moment, had tossed the ball to the beckoning wicket keeper, who seemed keen to receive the ball and do the needful.  But, lo and behold, just as the ball left my hand, the guy stood up and let it float away.  I felt like a fool because, between us, we fluffed a sitter, thereby converting a certain 'tie' into a frustrating loss for our team.  Some seven pairs of eyes, to which my team-mates were attached,  balefully glared at me, as if my stupidity had resulted in the first ever defeat for them.  Their angst, as that of all the unseen spectators, was perfectly justified.  I was responsible for the loss and was immersed in a healthy dose of self-pity, when the above call came.  I am sure the readers can comprehend my reaction, even though the caller probably was livid!

Two hours later, another man called; this voice was suave and pretty cultured and the caller desired conversation with me after confirming that I was who I was supposed to be.  But the opening gambit from his side had the potential to derail the discussion right-away --- he offered a retainer for me to be on his roll.  I did not realise that my consultancy work had acquired such a global reputation that strangers would offer deals over phone.  So, I  balked at this and the caller smartly figured out I was confused.  He offered to elaborate.  He said the retainer was for aiding a start-up betting company in Bangalore, especially for subtle collaboration during future cricket games.  He wanted to leverage my standing in the community and my proven ability to screw-up easy opportunities, as evidenced during that morning's game, to spread the tentacles of his start-up betting company.  He said he heard from his head-hunter about me after the last-ball bungling of mine that day and made an immediate, board-level decision that I was immensely qualified to be on his roll. He even offered to rename me ---choices were `Walajah Raja'  (just to let me retain a semblance of dignity and a bit of my name)!! Or something totally off the wall his Board would decide.   Citizenship of Pakistan could be organized and I could be settled in pretty quickly, once I graduated from Sunday Vista cricket (no, not in cricket skills; he hinted there was no hope of that at all; but in terms of improvement as a furtive collaborator) to higher planes within the organization.  I was told that being a wicket keeper, I had the incredible opportunity to be a direct understudy with Kamran Akmal  and climb up the rankings in their domain, if I fulfilled my promise as a bungler.  I was even told that I had the good fortune of hobnobbing with some of the Pakistani greats - past and contemporary -  in the entire gamut of activities from spot-fixing to throwing matches, so that I picked up the intricacies of the trade quickly.

Disoriented by this direct assault without any preamble, I was stuttering wildly just as Wodehouse made Lord Emsworth stutter whenever the latter was confronted with a perilous situation involving his favourite pig, the Empress.  That, this man decided was the result of dilemma on my part and went on a `convincing drive',  to apply further pressure by stating that I would not be alone in this recruitment drive.  A captain from that Sunday's game, who completely 'forgot'  the presence of an ace-bowler in his team till the last over and thereby contributed a good chunk of runs by over-bowling himself and that man who was pretending to be the wicket keeper to me during my last ball gaffe, were both on the list and were being approached as we spoke.  This captain had the markings of being a good deputy to Salman Butt, he said. Actually he had a good point.  He challenged me to explain why I, being a regular wicket keeper was fielding at square leg and the `pretender' wicket-keeper, who was from the batting side, managed to displace me at the crucial time!!  Obviously I had no explanation.  And he chuckled with the satisfaction of a man who has done a good day's work and said that his talent-spotter had done a great job of rounding us up for his company.

It did'nt look like those guys would take a `no' for an answer.  I am scurrying around to find out what the others are doing, so that our collective response is appropriate!!

PS:  Just heard on Radio Pakistan - `Now, on to Sports News.  First, we will look at all the results of tomorrow's cricket matches.........' (I borrowed that from some other source).