One more on Mosquitos!!

Another one on mosquitos; it is revenge, pure and simple - they are not letting go of me and I am reciprocating!  In the context of mosquitos revisiting our community, Vista!!

Varad

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Those unwanted visitors, who intermittently force Vista residents to turn hostile and keep their doors shut, are back.  Theyhave invaded the community in hordes and seem intent on doing a limited Taliban on us by enforcing a stricter dress code.  While there is no official communique from the assailing force about the edict, people have been coerced to abandon their shorts and tees in favour of trousers and full-sleeves even during evening walks.  That seems to be the only way of keeping the attackers at bay.  Vista residents using open spaces are also forcibly taught a few nifty dance steps due to the absolute need to keep shifting their feet to avoid damage; and sources indicate that such coaching, imparted in short bursts in a few minutes, is far

more effective in teaching Waltz, Bollywood, Bharathanatyam, Odissi and other rather unknown dance forms, than all the classes regularly conducted in Vista put together.  

The surprise is in the fact that this is happening in October, after the routine, first dose was administrated in the summer! Are mosquitos getting agnostic to seasons??  It appears so and obviously there is a crying need for some defence which the hapless Vistaites can use to protect themselves.  I searched high and low and have identified a brand new, as-yet-not-on-the-market product which the manufacturers claim will help people ward off the buzzing menace effectively.  They have not found a suitable name for this wonder-antidote yet, so let us tentatively name it BuzOff! Read on!  The substance is from the manufacturers, but in a synopsis of mine.

BuzOff is a Coil for the outdoors.  Unlike other coil-remedies (at the last count, the number of such products in the market being only slightly lower than the number of mosquitos in the neighbourhood!), this one scores with its mobility!  A mobile coil??  Yes, and since it is designed to protect you, mobility is supported by, what else, you!  These coils come in different sizes and shapes; they can be worn on your arms, legs, waist or head (this flexibility should score high in the mind of the users, since it provides them with the option of using

it closest to that specific part of the body they feel is the most vulnerable in a particular location).  Don't fret, the ergonomically designed coils do not burn the body (during the initial phase of usage, as is the case with everything else in life, one may get a couple of scalds, but the discerning would appreciate that is part of the learning and a small cost one pays for a bite-free future).  One can buy these coils of mixed sizes (the closest packaging we can think of is the multi-shaped-and-sized adhesive plasters) for various parts of the body.  After this the only trouble you need to take is to attach the coils to the body, light them up and go for your outdoor activity, glowing all the way. Once you are decked up properly, your childhood fantasy about being a miner deep down in the womb of mother earth, will also be partially fulfilled. You will look like a miner, only better, because you will have lovely glows emanating from the multiple coils.  So, obviously, the more coils you use simultaneously, the merrier!  The operating manual clearly states that lighting the coils should happen only after all the coils have been attached to the body; otherwise the number of scalds you suffer in the process will be proportionately higher.  Avoidable!

When you are in open spaces, the coils start behaving like chimney exhausts - they are designed to.  A good volume of smoke is generated to envelope you.  This is the primary defence mechanism and the idea is to hide you from the offending mosquitos.  They cannot bite you ifyou are behind a thick pall of smoke, right?  For full effect, the manufacturers recommend that you walk in `unlit' open spaces, thereby rendering the task of the mosquitos even more difficult in the dark.  If some egregious ones dodge the smokescreen successfully and break through to identify you as a desirable target, don't worry, they will have to locate some part of the body open for business, to apply proboscis to skin, that is, to bite, very quickly while you are on the move. Since your body is covered by the coil straps at various locations, the mosquitos will face a challenging task and will have to really earn your blood. Hence the recommendation to attach as many coils to your body as possible,

so that the reduced space limits your exposure.  The fumes are not noxious, actually they are just plain fumes and you can enhance the experience by choosing one of the premium coils aptly named RL (for Ralph Lauren), JL (for Jennifer Lopez)  or DO (for Davidoff) to enjoy a medley of smells (the word `fragrances' is eschewed by the manufacturers for some reason). 

As everyone knows, mosquitos abound around stagnant water bodies.  So, if you have purchased a `luxurious' villa located close to what was earlier a beautiful lake and has since been converted by criminally indifferent humans to a cesspool of sewage (this does sound like Vista!), the company offers you something more exciting.  By fitting a few boats with higher-capacity, heavy-duty coils (the quantum of smoke produced equals that from mid-sized factories) and by automating their movement across sections of the lake during evenings when people are likely to be outdoors, temporary eviction notice can be served on the abominable creatures for a couple of hours.  It is absolutely incidental that hardened individuals with fully blocked nostrils can also use the boats for rides on the lake, in a spectacularly miasmatic ambience, at no extra charge!!

You have surely heard about collateral damages like the kind Afghans suffer daily due to the war on terrorists.  Here is an opportunity to reap some collateral benefits from BuzOff. 

 -- If a good number of residents take to using BuzOff regularly, all the lights used for open spaces can be switched off for two hours or so, thereby saving electricity charges for everyone, since the collective glow will be adequate for people to stumble along without permanent bodily harm.  And, do recall that the overall effect of BuzOff is enhanced in the dark.

 -- During festivals like Deepavali, Karthigai and Halloween, people with coils can be manoeuvred into any creative configuration, to mirror the effect of arrangement of diyas, lights etc.  Imagine using intelligent diyas which will move when you so order.

 -- For any occasion involving firecrackers, BuzOff is especially useful since it makes candles, agarbathis etc redundant for lighting up crackers. You would love the unmatched convenience of lighting up from any of the coils attached to your body.  Smokers will also benefit in the same way, but this is not being advertised to    prevent the anti-smoking lobby from derailing the product.

 -- BuzOff is an admirable tool to help you jostle through crowded areas to have a ring-side view of any road-side activity (a very Indian trait).  But manufacturers caution that this be not used hyperactively.

One thing I dont understand is why the manufacturers are bent upon adding an absolutely useless footnote to their packaging - that `only female mosquitos can bite'.  This does not seem to have any relevance to their aim and could actually be counter productive.  But they insist.  Suicidal, you think??

Contemplating retirement, are you??

You are around 55 and nowadays frequently you find yourself lapsing into reveries of post-retirement possibilities, even as critical meetings you are supposed to be chairing are afoot.  You seem to care less and less for corporate shenanigans and many things official which you thought formed the fulcrum of your life, no longer seem to hold the same significance.  The year-end bonus number does not exhilarate you any longer. Well, you are beginning to contemplate retirement, are you??

You began a career at the age of 23 or so and have worked your backside off (happens if it has always been a desk-job and all the flesh seems to shift gradually and inexorably to the front during this period of sedentary existence) for nearly 35 years.  A reasonably hard diurnal toil for 12 hours or more all through.  You have provided for the family well and have accumulated more wealth than you imagined possible even midway through your career.  Your progeny is educated and employed well; daughters have married nicely.  You have a lovely house to live in and all the material comforts you need at this time of life.  And you believe you have adequate resources to protect  your current standard of life without killing yourself with work.  You look around and ask yourself the fundamental existential question as to why you need to slog any further.  You wonder why you cannot take it easy now and make time to do all those fantastic things you wanted to do, but could not because office work always cast a huge shadow over your life.  You also know that your colleagues have not started wondering when you will go, not yet.  Remember, the maxim in this context, as in cricket or films, is `go when people ask why now' - as against doing it when the overall sentiment is `good, about time'! or `long overdue!'.  You mull over this for a few months and consider all the pros and cons of bidding adieu to full time employment.  You bring your rich professional experience and personal judgement into play in making the decision in ripeness of time - 'yes, it is time to walk into the sunset'! But, my friend, it is not so simple; your decision is just one small step in the direction you want to go.  Getting those around you on board is going to cause some sleepless nights for you.

`What?  Are you nuts?  I know something in you was coming unhinged since you have been sporting that cross-eyed look for the last couple of months' - is the mild, initial response of the spouse.  You wish you had a camera on hand, that could have captured for posterity the look of absolute horror on her face, as if you are proposing a `streaking' venture during lunch time, along MG Road, with a couple of pilot cars blaring their sirens to announce the spectacular event!!  But then even if you had a camera, you may not have either the courage or the astuteness to get the job done because the response would have frontally assaulted you into a state of inaction, because you were pretty confident that you had covered all the angles well.  Now, the spouse's riposte could have been prompted by the mortal fear that she might also be forced to quit her job, thereby depriving her independence, financial and otherwise .  Or if she is not employed anyway, the prospect of the painful conversion of a part-time bug (in terms of limited exposure to you) into a full time pestilence could have justifiably produced that reaction.   Any amount of persuasion about spending more fun-time together, travelling the world etc is not going to pass muster with the wife when weighed on the balance with having you like a permanent millstone around her neck for the rest of her life.  If it was earlier the very logical argument that you `have to work till the kids are all settled', now it is a more emotional bleat - `what will you do sitting at home all the time?' that is popped at you.  That the `settled' in the foregoing sentence actually meant all your children successfully going through life towards grand-parenthood, with the expectation that you would continue to slog till then might have been unspoken but if your fuzzy brain did not register such subtleties, whose fault is that??

Given the above realistic scenario, your only choice is to retire from full time employment, but simultaneously enter into that banal world of part-time consulting work.   This single stroke of genius, never associated with you normally, enables you to position your `retirement' as something less sinister than what the spouse is conditioned to perceive.   This way you continue to remain a part time bug as far as she is concerned (actually this is not true; there is a small shift in the status to part-time pestilence, since your wife knows that the time available to you for causing inadvertent hardship to her and the society at large is much more). You continue to bring home some bacon  - not a whole lot, but that is never a serious bone of contention in this context whereas your being a permanent resident and homebody is; and the enigmatic world of consulting is so pliable and agnostic to age that you never have to contemplate full time retirement ever again!!  There are nonagenarian consultants hobbling around on crutches or carried to their assignments on stretchers in ambulances, simply because the world has forgotten how things were done 50 years ago.  This vanishing knowledge is in such stupendous demand, just to facilitate comparison with the current state of affairs and to help people gloat on the technological and other advancements achieved!  Bottom line is that you need to soften the blow on the wife by becoming a consultant, holding out the promise that you will not be a permanent fixture at home.  While this ploy may not ensure permanent peace on the home front, it will give you a temporary reprieve and enable you to get over the huge hump of the spouse's intransigence in the face of your imminent and disastrous `retirement'.

Now that your status in life has changed to that of a `semi-retired' person, how do those people who have only seen you as a workaholic all these decades deal with you??  Invariably, it is a mixed bag.  Those of your colleagues who have never really `worked' in life but are well-versed in ensuring their own longevity with exemplary `survival skills', will look down on you for seeking retirement outside the office instead of following their shining example.  They would believe you have made a bad bargain of a good situation by letting go of the monthly compensation which could have been yours for the next few years, with virtually the same `retiring' kind of life!  Other hard-working colleagues, would tend to feel envious of the fact that you could afford to retire while they still have to continue their struggle with sour-faced and bloody-minded bosses for personal financial reasons.  But the question that would surface every single time you meet an incredulous old colleague would be `But, tell me, sir, how do you spend your time'?  What they are actually asking is `what on earth do you know other than office work?? You have never had a hobby, were never involved in sports or games, did not have even nodding acquaintance with music or books; so their concern is probably very genuine.  You will be hard pressed to convince them that you are actually going to indulge in all those esoteric activities  from now on.  The odds are in your favour, though, because the prevalent belief is that you are going to vegetate out of real existence within the next few years thereby merging with the woodwork at home. When you tell such friendly souls that you are planning to be a consultant, doing some part-time work, the looks you get should realistically be interpreted to say `Ah! That! All we need is one more ruddy consultant'! 

Don't rejoice yet over your retirement.  You have only crossed half the hurdles and some of the toughest are yet to be conquered.  The immediate need, after you have given yourself reasonable resting time, is to first snag that consulting assignment without further ado.  This is the single crucial step that will redeem your retirement and prevent it from going over the precipice down into the cluttered valley of doomed and failed retirements.  Why?  Because this is the one talisman that is going to help ward off all those schemers in the family and neighbourhood from invading your time and space on the pretext that you have nothing to do and so are generally `available and at their disposal'.   With the 'Part-time Consultant' halo around you (evidenced by the presence in your vicinity of one or two mobile phones, a land-line, a lap top which is open all the time, a couple of tomes on the subjects you 'specialize' in and a pen poised on a half written page of a notebook), you can create a forbidding defence around you, which will deter people from trying to take advantage of your time with inane requests.   And if you add to your repertoire a couple of hobbies like reading or listening to music, gardening or community service (if you are a decent actor, for the short term it may even be adequate if you can pretend well to be doing any of these, but I would suggest truly cultivating some hobbies for the longer term), man, you are set!  Your wife cannot then send her full-time housekeeper or driver away to her uncle's brother-in-law's sister's cousin's friend's relative to do some chores; citing your endearing presence at home as the only reason).  Nor can the young couples around your home expectantly seek your help in entertaining their whining and snivelling two year olds for a few hours while they catch a movie or a concert.

Soon people will start wondering how mysteriously you are so much busier after retirement that when you were full time at work.  If this happens, yes, you have arrived as a successful retiree. Once you have crossed this rubicon and have survived about 6 months without descending into the pits of depression or hurrying back to full time employment to salvage self-respect, sense of purpose etc, of course goaded by jealous family and friends, you can start the celebrations!!  As a dignified retiree! Do it quietly though, lest people take notice!