One more on Mosquitos!!

Another one on mosquitos; it is revenge, pure and simple - they are not letting go of me and I am reciprocating!  In the context of mosquitos revisiting our community, Vista!!

Varad

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Those unwanted visitors, who intermittently force Vista residents to turn hostile and keep their doors shut, are back.  Theyhave invaded the community in hordes and seem intent on doing a limited Taliban on us by enforcing a stricter dress code.  While there is no official communique from the assailing force about the edict, people have been coerced to abandon their shorts and tees in favour of trousers and full-sleeves even during evening walks.  That seems to be the only way of keeping the attackers at bay.  Vista residents using open spaces are also forcibly taught a few nifty dance steps due to the absolute need to keep shifting their feet to avoid damage; and sources indicate that such coaching, imparted in short bursts in a few minutes, is far

more effective in teaching Waltz, Bollywood, Bharathanatyam, Odissi and other rather unknown dance forms, than all the classes regularly conducted in Vista put together.  

The surprise is in the fact that this is happening in October, after the routine, first dose was administrated in the summer! Are mosquitos getting agnostic to seasons??  It appears so and obviously there is a crying need for some defence which the hapless Vistaites can use to protect themselves.  I searched high and low and have identified a brand new, as-yet-not-on-the-market product which the manufacturers claim will help people ward off the buzzing menace effectively.  They have not found a suitable name for this wonder-antidote yet, so let us tentatively name it BuzOff! Read on!  The substance is from the manufacturers, but in a synopsis of mine.

BuzOff is a Coil for the outdoors.  Unlike other coil-remedies (at the last count, the number of such products in the market being only slightly lower than the number of mosquitos in the neighbourhood!), this one scores with its mobility!  A mobile coil??  Yes, and since it is designed to protect you, mobility is supported by, what else, you!  These coils come in different sizes and shapes; they can be worn on your arms, legs, waist or head (this flexibility should score high in the mind of the users, since it provides them with the option of using

it closest to that specific part of the body they feel is the most vulnerable in a particular location).  Don't fret, the ergonomically designed coils do not burn the body (during the initial phase of usage, as is the case with everything else in life, one may get a couple of scalds, but the discerning would appreciate that is part of the learning and a small cost one pays for a bite-free future).  One can buy these coils of mixed sizes (the closest packaging we can think of is the multi-shaped-and-sized adhesive plasters) for various parts of the body.  After this the only trouble you need to take is to attach the coils to the body, light them up and go for your outdoor activity, glowing all the way. Once you are decked up properly, your childhood fantasy about being a miner deep down in the womb of mother earth, will also be partially fulfilled. You will look like a miner, only better, because you will have lovely glows emanating from the multiple coils.  So, obviously, the more coils you use simultaneously, the merrier!  The operating manual clearly states that lighting the coils should happen only after all the coils have been attached to the body; otherwise the number of scalds you suffer in the process will be proportionately higher.  Avoidable!

When you are in open spaces, the coils start behaving like chimney exhausts - they are designed to.  A good volume of smoke is generated to envelope you.  This is the primary defence mechanism and the idea is to hide you from the offending mosquitos.  They cannot bite you ifyou are behind a thick pall of smoke, right?  For full effect, the manufacturers recommend that you walk in `unlit' open spaces, thereby rendering the task of the mosquitos even more difficult in the dark.  If some egregious ones dodge the smokescreen successfully and break through to identify you as a desirable target, don't worry, they will have to locate some part of the body open for business, to apply proboscis to skin, that is, to bite, very quickly while you are on the move. Since your body is covered by the coil straps at various locations, the mosquitos will face a challenging task and will have to really earn your blood. Hence the recommendation to attach as many coils to your body as possible,

so that the reduced space limits your exposure.  The fumes are not noxious, actually they are just plain fumes and you can enhance the experience by choosing one of the premium coils aptly named RL (for Ralph Lauren), JL (for Jennifer Lopez)  or DO (for Davidoff) to enjoy a medley of smells (the word `fragrances' is eschewed by the manufacturers for some reason). 

As everyone knows, mosquitos abound around stagnant water bodies.  So, if you have purchased a `luxurious' villa located close to what was earlier a beautiful lake and has since been converted by criminally indifferent humans to a cesspool of sewage (this does sound like Vista!), the company offers you something more exciting.  By fitting a few boats with higher-capacity, heavy-duty coils (the quantum of smoke produced equals that from mid-sized factories) and by automating their movement across sections of the lake during evenings when people are likely to be outdoors, temporary eviction notice can be served on the abominable creatures for a couple of hours.  It is absolutely incidental that hardened individuals with fully blocked nostrils can also use the boats for rides on the lake, in a spectacularly miasmatic ambience, at no extra charge!!

You have surely heard about collateral damages like the kind Afghans suffer daily due to the war on terrorists.  Here is an opportunity to reap some collateral benefits from BuzOff. 

 -- If a good number of residents take to using BuzOff regularly, all the lights used for open spaces can be switched off for two hours or so, thereby saving electricity charges for everyone, since the collective glow will be adequate for people to stumble along without permanent bodily harm.  And, do recall that the overall effect of BuzOff is enhanced in the dark.

 -- During festivals like Deepavali, Karthigai and Halloween, people with coils can be manoeuvred into any creative configuration, to mirror the effect of arrangement of diyas, lights etc.  Imagine using intelligent diyas which will move when you so order.

 -- For any occasion involving firecrackers, BuzOff is especially useful since it makes candles, agarbathis etc redundant for lighting up crackers. You would love the unmatched convenience of lighting up from any of the coils attached to your body.  Smokers will also benefit in the same way, but this is not being advertised to    prevent the anti-smoking lobby from derailing the product.

 -- BuzOff is an admirable tool to help you jostle through crowded areas to have a ring-side view of any road-side activity (a very Indian trait).  But manufacturers caution that this be not used hyperactively.

One thing I dont understand is why the manufacturers are bent upon adding an absolutely useless footnote to their packaging - that `only female mosquitos can bite'.  This does not seem to have any relevance to their aim and could actually be counter productive.  But they insist.  Suicidal, you think??