Takeaways After 30 Days

God promise, I did not plan to venture into a sequel to the previous Covid blog post. But the problem is, there has been an absolute dearth of material flitting through the mind, which has been bludgeoned numb by the onslaught of virus related discussion all around. But do not fret, folks; I am not going to add to the information overload all of you are suffering from -- me too -- regarding Covid, with lane-wise, street-specific statistics. Just wanted to share some tit-bits my antenna has picked up over the past month about what is probably happening out there, when most people are happily or unhappily constrained to stay leashed to their homes. I am certain that all these nuggets, which are way out of common people's reach, are at least new, if not useful, to you. No, no need to thank me.  You are welcome. The least I can do. Just read on.

Trust me, in some cities and towns, certain types of movie songs have been banned out of sheer fright and as a matter of absurd precaution.  Ones which go like Aa jaa sanam, Aajaa re aa zara, Aayiye meherbaan in Hindi and Anbe Vaa, Nee enge en anbe, Vaaraayo en thozhi in Thamizh, (this is a very long list, but I hope you get the drift) which could even remotely be misinterpreted as an invitation to you-know-who, have been banished. Anyone who is heard to even badly hum such a song (even if it is a totally different one but comes out like one of these, thanks to the singer's/hummer's skill or the complete lack of it) runs the risk of being labelled a traitor to the community.  This serious antipathy has spread wings so fast that it is more infectious than the virus itself and can be equally injurious to health, I am told.

Old fogeys in various communities have been frightened out of their wits so much by a specific piece of intelligence filtering in. That the virus seems to have a very sharp search engine, multiple times more powerful than Google, which seeks and effortlessly culls out data relating to benign senior citizens minding their own sedate business. In the absence of clinching evidence as to wherefrom such data is being pulled out by the virus, panicked elders are going out of their way to achieve a complete wipe-out of all information regarding their birth dates and the like from systems supporting passports, aadhaar card, PAN, whatever.  Even birth certificates and SSLC books are being demolished. After the virus is gone, it might take another life time to reinstate all such data, if at all possible, in various Government offices. But the immediate goal seems to be to significantly diminish the threat of mortality.  They reason that if the virus gets them, this latter work would be redundant any way.  They firmly believe that if the virus does not know one is a senior citizen, there is less danger.

Swiggy, Zomato and assorted delivery companies were jolted by their discovery of a startling trend two weeks into lockdown - that the demand for Chinese cuisine evaporated into thin air, without a trace.  No, not because Indians have been offended by the inept way China handled the virus outbreak.  We have tolerated much worse from them for decades. But some vague research paper from a remote corner of Mongolia has apparently concluded (no proof has been provided, as usual) that the virus is very fond of  Chinese food, especially of the Wuhan denomination, as well as bodies used to it. That is the reason for that country and province being preferred as the originator of the contagion.  This obviously is too simple a rationale for Trump and the like, who are looking for more sinister designs behind the origin of the virus.  The same research paper also stated that the next preferred cuisine for the virus was Continental, meaning Spanish, Italian, French, etc. This has been borne out by the trajectory of the virus, taking it to Europe first and then to US which is partial to all those types of foods and many more.  Obviously the spicy, tangy Indian food is not a hot favourite in this milieu, which explains its less aggressive tangle with our country so far; even though the `curry' served in Britain seems to have a better appeal.

Another secret paper published inside White House has firmed up the theory that the hotter climes of South Asia have been able to dodge the virus significantly better, more or less.  Some experts have also expressed this opinion.  Keen to avoid a repeat when the virus comes visiting again later for the next round and to demonstrate his prowess as a `thinking' leader, Trump has stumbled on serendipity. He seems to have ordered Pentagon to try and violently tilt the axis of earth such that USA ends up relocating geographically to South Asia, catapulting all of us to USA.  The huge expense for this rather intricate project is being justified, it seems, with the following incontrovertible logic.  That with this fundamental shift, USA can stop worrying about H1B visas and all related administrative headaches since the whole of South Asia will be in the erstwhile US anyway, with or without visas.  And it is a bonus that the wall and Mexicans can be forgotten for ever.  `I am smarter than all of you', the President seems to have boasted after he pitched his idea to his appreciative staff.  It doesn't look like the fact that he will be China's neighbour has dawned on him yet.  I was not prepared to take this whole thing seriously, but my dear wife, who is a keen 'fan' of Trump's, swears this must be real, given that the harebrained contents of the plan seem to be very much in character.

Heavy drinkers -- drunkards seems a slur, even in these trying times -- are, at the best of times when booze is available aplenty, nervous people.  When supplies in the open market have dried up and even the open market itself is absconding, this tribe has become desperate in the extreme.  They are out to forage whatever stock is available wherever and to that end, are using all their extensive networks for research and execution. A teetotaler friend recently told some of his cronies that he had some spare booze left from some celebration.  Almost overnight, he started getting calls and messages from perfect strangers at all ungodly hours. God knows how they got the contact details, but this category of people acquire high grade resourcefulness when they are in an acutely deprived state, I understand.  They were asking the friend to confirm that he was a genuine contraband dealer and he could supply to specific locations in the city, in bulk at twice/thrice the market rate.  The friend is now more stricken with this infliction than he would have been if the virus visited him.

Women folk at home are sick of the men doing binge watching of whatever Netflix and Prime can throw at them, regardless of the language.  Women would have been happier if men made themselves a tiny bit useful with chores at home, but no such luck.  Not only that, the latter want to replicate the multiplex experience and do this by rearranging sofas/recliners to get the feel of the Gold Class, switch on the aircons and start ordering the women to start supplying eats and drinks at their seats.  Reports are out that the wives are viciously getting back, resorting to playing the national anthem frequently, disrupting the show and making the men stand up when they least expect that. 

During regular working days, habitual liars got away explaining their late home-coming from a round of pubs with a vague `Oh, had a couple of long conference calls'. This group seems to be in serious trouble. Wives are asking how come such conference calls have ceased suddenly during WFH times, when logically they should have been more frequent. So, nowadays men are hiding away in balconies and terraces, pretending to be on phone calls while watching movies on laptops, with earphones tuned in.  We are waiting for 'discovery' time and a report on the consequential pandemonium -- only a matter of time.

I am sure a lot more is going on and it is impossible to cover everything, you will agree.  We just hope the virus recedes soon and we are all back to some semblance of normalcy.  Amen.