Hair Care

 Over the years, I have been convinced that hair styling or hair care has become hugely critical for men and women.  Probably because one can do pathetically little to patch up the face one is born with, but hair is fair game for changes from time to time.  When we think that, we have to forget for a moment the `straight-out-of-the-bed' type men represented by the British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson.  He has no qualms appearing with disshevelled, unbrushed hair on global TV and has a following too; he did the same for his wedding photo also - so supremely confident or arrogantly indifferent.  Let us just talk of ordinary mortals who always labour under the belief that they can augment the appeal of their personality by tangling with their hair from time to time.  Men, even those with just two strands of hair on their pate, carry a small comb in their hip pocket and use it to bolster their confidence from time to time.  Women, of course, have to touch their hair a few times in a short span and do all kinds of assorted moves with their hair to feel comfortable in their space. 

During my younger days, there was one time when a particular hair-style was the rage - medium crop with a buff in front, as if a provision has been made for a small sparrow to build a nest there.  While we admired the Hindi film hero, Biswajit singing romantic songs to his heroines in the movies, not one of us had the courage to emulate the style in real life, for fear of retribution from the fathers.  But one really intrepid friend did try and asked the barber to cut his hair accordingly.  As he got back home, unfortunately the guardian angel was present near the gate with a keen desire to scrutinise the harvested head and decide if appropriate value for money has been achieved.  Fathers those days would have probably preferred to get back the cut hair to be brought back home as evidence of a satisfactory job done, but they could never be sure of whose hair was being presented.  The friend got down from the cycle and tried to move towards the entrance, when the father asked him with an impassive face `whom does sir want to see'?  The tone was so terminal that there was no mistaking `the absolute refusal to recognise' in that.  Without a word, my friend had to cycle back to the barber shop and convince the artist to do a repair job; and cajole him to do that without further compensation.  The barber got a verbal thrashing for his share from the father and the friend lost his abysmally low pocket money for a few months as punitive actions.  The friend and many of us could never `style' our hair as we wanted, because by the time we were independent enough to do what we wanted, the quantum of hair had dwindled rapidly.  Now this friend is completely bald (so are all of us), but any time we get together, this episode is retold with gusto and mirth, to the merriment of the assembly.

Ladies tend to splurge a lot more time and money in salons to tend to their hair.  My dear wife smilingly retorts that it is all in proportion to the hair people have.  But she is easy enough to laugh at herself saying `ladies with curly hair want a straightening-up job done, at a great cost'.  This actually involves nothing less than a dhobi's ironing machine among other things.  `And those with straight hair want to get it somewhat curled up'.  No wonder all the salons and beauty parlours are always busy because no one seems happy with the current state of hair for long and they keep changing their minds, keeping the salons blissfully occupied for ever.  There is a splendid opportunity for a swap operation here, but no one has divined a way of doing that without the intervention of the salons.

But the real killer is when men and ladies go berserk trying to hide greying hair. Initially this is done by plucking the grey strands, when there a only a few. But as grey inexorably encroaches on black, colouring becomes the way of life. Some men tend to do this in-house, using easy to apply colouring material; it is cheaper and also not many outsiders, including friends who visit the same barber shop, need to know that behind the jet black hair lurk grey linings. But, ladies don't seem to like the in-house treatment because it is very messy.  After the ritual is over, residual black stains are all over the bath room and the cleaning is not easy.  So, ladies prefer to leave the grey hair as well as the stains in the salon.  My dear wife argues there is no secret in sixty year old women having grey hair, right?  Actually, it is almost jarring that a seventy year old woman sports jet black hair, they know. Older women do not hide the grey hair story from other older women, because they exchange salon stories all the time; I guess they do this camouflaging to convince themselves they still feel young.

Another intractable problem faced by 50+ men and women is hair fall, which is a universal affliction.  Memory fades (we forget some very obvious names from time to time), brain fades (all of us do stupid things once in a while just because we did not think enough) etc don't matter and one does not run to a doctor for treatment. But hair fall is seriously damaging and scars your psyche badly. All kinds of dubious oils with unknown or unproven antecedents, are liberally used on the recommendation of friends to prevent or reduce hair fall. Some people soak halim seeds overnight and drink the water as if it is fertilizer to irrigate the hair.  After bath, people try to count the number of hairs that have fallen and compare notes as well as maintain historical records, in case posterity is interested. Until the count becomes something difficult to absorb, then they cease and desist. Whatever they apply or consume, most people invariably find that hair fall is a relentless ongoing threat without a known cure, but the effort to apply extraneous solutions persist for long just to support the rather persuasive hair-growth-products industry.

Men gradually come to realise that they can stop all pretence when salt-and-pepper hair continues its stoical march towards all-salt-and-no-pepper hair. Then starts the stage in life when almost-bald men carefully arrange two or three strands of hair along the sides of the head and across the head.  This is just a feeble attempt at displaying the bravado of men who used to have full crop of hair.  This also would normally pass, when they decipher that their unshaven moustache sprouts more hair than what is seen on the head and then it is the end. Soon all they have is a bald pate and all of a sudden, there is nothing to worry about.  They go around behaving as if they never had any hair ever and the best state of affairs is the current one.  They even try to assure themselves that they look more handsome with a hairless head.  No one else seems convinced though and they continue to sympathise for a few years that such a travesty of justice has come to pass for the man in question. 

During covid times, all world has gone topsy turvy and so has hair care.  Salons are closed, but being an essential service (who wants to see millions of Boris Johnsons on the road suddenly?) many are sending experts to homes to tend to the growth.  The snag is a covid premium of about 50% over and above the normal tariff.  If you wonder why would people spend more to look the same when they cannot even go out due to the restrictions, here is the answer.  Zoom calls.  It is not only hair that is on display, but what you wear is also under scrutiny.  Men change shirts even if they may be wearing only a towel below.  If there are multiple zoom calls on the same day and there certainly are, the scene at home is reminiscent of a Hindi movie song sequence.  Different hair styles (one has to manage with whatever little is left at this stage) and multiple dress changes take place. Afterwards everyone, my dear wife says, complains that there is so much additional work when you are working from home -- obviously there was no intra day hair styling or dress changes in the office, or at least in most offices.

Nirvana for men is when people joke about their bald head and they respond that `what is inside the head is all in tact and that is more important'...something they never acknowledged in all the years.  For ladies, it is when they get too tired and could not care less, let themselves age dramatically by 30 years one fine day and emerge from the bathroom with a plait of chalk white hair. With all the prior knowledge at their disposal, the husbands do get frightened out of their wits at the sight of the apparition and go around for a whole week speechless, afflicted by the spectre. I recommend that the ladies also have a heart and start `greying' gradually, much the same way men lose their hair gradually, instead of implementing an overnight unilateral decision and run the risk of a husband with a stroke or heart attack for the rest of their lives.