Recommenders, beware!!

How many times have you felt like an imbecile, being indicted by a friend for recommending something which he, the friend, did not savour much??  Happens to everyone, I am sure.  Take a recent case narrated to me.  Someone from Madras (Chennai for many, but remains its original self to me) visiting Bangalore asked for a good, very Bangalorish `benne dosa' (butter dosai) restaurant. This man gladly obliged by enthusiastically vouching for a place he frequents for the very same item.  He did not even have to think twice because benne dosa is known to be absolutely awesome in that place.  This visitor from Madras goes to the restaurant, enjoys benne dosa twice over and comes back with this feedback - `benne dosa was very nice, but the sambar was not the spicy Madras version, was the sweet Karnataka type and that spoilt the whole deal'.  There are people like that.  This chap knew it was a Karnataka restaurant, will cater to the taste of Kannadigas.  Still comes out with this rather stupid feedback.  His wife, who is usually more sensible, cribbed that they had extra mustard in the chutney, which made it almost inedible.  Such peeves should make the recommender to ask the recommendee to fill up a lengthy questionnaire for clarity before recommending something.  Defensive action from someone who has been burnt once!!

But the above experience is not something unique, it is par for the course; most people just shrug off the uncharitable criticism and move on without changing their ways.  But, it is probably good for the recommender to couch his recommendtion in a diplomatic statement and say `For me this is a good place/thing.  I dont know about your expectations.  Check it out, if you want'.  Seems a good way of hedging one's bet.  If one is the thin-skinned, super-sensitive type, this probably is the way to go in such contexts. 

A few years back, a visiting friend from Bombay wanted to see the IPL match between RCB and MI at Chinnaswamy Stadium, Bangalore.  He wanted tickets to be organized.  I enthusiastically found out prices for various stands and provided the information.  This guy innocuously asked me to select a good stand/place to watch from.  Having no great experience with the various stands in the ground, I went for a middling option, keeping a reasonable price-tag in sight and procured the tickets.  The Bombaywala watched the match, came back and went generally gaga over the experience.  But, during the ensuing conversation,  in the manner of expertly passing a needle through a banana, told me that there was too much noise, there was some obstruction to one side which prevented him from looking at Kohli from close, cleanliness was lacking in the rest rooms, chairs were uncomfortable, some glare from the lights obscured the ball from one angle, so on and so forth.  As if, he expected me to have done thorough reconnoisance beforehand. I almost thought he was going to demand full refund from me for my blunder in selecting that stand!!  He knew he was not paying for the Hospitality Box of a Corporate, so I thought this carping about niggles was totally unwarranted.  With that episode, I stopped making choices for others and now insist on specifics being communicated by them.

Recommending a movie is another chore in which you could dig a big hole for yourself. A movie is a highly personal experience and what one individual likes need not be appreciated by all around him.  But this dictum does not stop you from freely doling out advice to friends to watch a movie because you loved it. 'It is fun'.  This goes well if the other person shares some vestiges of your taste in such things.  If not, this is a risky proposition and may backfire.  The guy might come to you with a sour face and almost blame you for an expense of Rs.1000 for two to watch an 'inane' movie. Some difference of opinion is fine, but if the criticism is trenchant enough to sound like the guy got into the wrong theatre and watched a completely different movie, then the seeds of this disaster were sown when you chose to do the recommendation! It is critical for us to not only assess the movie, but also the individual receiving our recommendation for taste compatibiity. 

There are certain experiences which are pleasurable simply because of the various individuals work together to deliver that.  This also implies that if some of the variables were to change a bit, the whole edifice might collapse in a heap.  Take a flight for example.  One might have a superlative experience flying from Bombay to New York on a specific airline.  Great. While the airline itself is deemed always good, one has to be lucky too.  A month later the same flight may not deliver the same delight, simply because a lot of personnel involved in the whole service delivery chain might have changed as well as the aircraft with its configuration.  One never knows what kind of black sheep is hiding where in this chain, so it is a brave man who assumes the flight would be consistently great and recommend it to others.  If one does recommend the flight, it is only par for the course that some negative feedback will come through in such cases, unless the airline is such a service wonder that its name is good enough to always and unfailingly guarantee a good experience.

If a simple cup of coffee or a benign benne dosa or harmless movie referral can bring a load of backlash to the unsuspecting recommender, what should we make of a guy who ventures to link two families through a match for a marriage, through a two-way recommendation?? This would rank as the most dangerous recommendation one can make and it would take some supreme conviction on the part of the recommender.  As with all arranged marriages, the risks remain very unpredictable but some part of the blame subtly shifts outside of the families involved, to the person who is recommending the match.  While one or both the families may seek the recommendation from the giver as a family-friend, the man-in-the-middle would probably never absolve himself of all blame, even though the final decision in the matter was never his. I would cringe at the thought of the girl's parents helplessly looking at me, if something were to go wrong later, as if to ask `you told us the boy is a gem and he turned out to be this!" or the other way around.  This is one recommendation nobody should take rather lightly.

A recommendation - any - for that matter, is made in good faith and looking at things from a particular perspective, personally yours.  So, obviously who is receiving the recommendation and his/her tastes etc would matter most. Unless, of course, the recommender is diabolically inclined and intentionally wants the recommendee to suffer through a bad experience.  Which is why most of us would not risk advising a half-baked, casual acquaintance with any serious suggestion. How well we know the receiver and his/her tastes, style, preferences etc should be the deciding factor. 

My dear wife has stopped the exuberant me many a time from making a fool myself, by making a strong recommendation to a person we have barely known.  Her wisdom prevailed always and though peeved a bit at that time, harking back now I know why recommendations should be kept for close friends and family.  As she says, if at all you are going to be rebuked for the advice, it better come from someone well known to you!!  Touche!