Kautilya then and India now!!

When I bought the book, my friend quipped `why? do you require a harder pillow??'.  I ignored the sarcasm and smiled because the tome was indeed sizable.  But my wife was more appreciative; being a History major, she nodded condescendingly at me with a look which said `finally! you are trying your hand at history'.  She cannot be faulted either because I have never been prone to delving into the distant past.  But Kautilya and his Arthashastra have fascinated me no end, simply because I have heard that they have a timeless quality about them in terms of their relevance to any time, all governments/rulers and politics generally.  I was especially excited by the thought of anachronistic application of Kautilya's wisdom to `India-now, shining or otherwise',  to see how people, events and situations measure up against the sagely pronouncements made some 2300 years ago!!  During my sojourn through the book, every now and then a Kautilyan pearl flashed, bringing into focus a recent, distressing event or a particularly quixotic or corrupt political figure. 

"To the extent a society respected dharma, it protected itself; to the extent a society offended/disrespected dharma, it undermined itself."  That was the first truism, except that not many care for it today, that jumped out of the book.  You have to just observe what goes on around you, to nod  your head in agreement - yes, we are getting what we deserve and there is no gainsaying that it will get worse!!  Simply because society at large has forgotten that punishment follows crime; that people who act against dharma will reap a bad harvest eventually.  That in turn, is due to the unholy material success that the rampantly corrupt, the downright evil and the absolutely immoral seem to have achieved during a single life-time, without any apparent backlash from the government or God , thereby becoming role models for the avaricious!! 

`Dandaniti' or using force to maintain law and order is advocated by Kautilya as an integral part of governance.  At the same time, the tenet that `punishment has to be just' is never forgotten.  Notably, we have completely moved away from both, driven by a warped brand of democracy, political affiliations, corrupt governments and judiciary, etc.  Thieves and murderers are masquerading as lawmakers now; rapists can be ministers, no problem; politicians and bureaucrats gobble public money in a clear case of the fence eating the crops.  `A king who is lenient in punishing the guilty, is held in contempt' Kautilya says.  How true!! Just look at the visceral contempt generated by the governments, institutions and political leaders of the day!!  Even the prime minister of the day, who was held in esteem has come sliding down many notches in the recent times, thanks to the protective armour the scam-tainted leaders are moving around in.

Kautilya does not trust traders, believing that they are always ready to make money at the cost of consumers. 'Merchants are all thieves, in effect and shall be prevented from oppressing people', he says.  The business community can hold its head high that they have maintained this image through the centuries!!  The only change in modern times is that merchants exploit customers with impunity, without any compunction.  All the `modern' methods of tampering of the weighing scale, adulterating gold with lesser metals, etc, seem to have had their origins in Kautilya's time or even earlier - a plethora of references to such malpractices in the book!

Kautilya warns not to accept mere confessions without corroborative proof,  because such confessions could be out of fear of being tortured. That is indeed very prophetic, considering the fate of most confessions taken by police from people in their custody, but readily retracted subsequently in the counrt!!

`Wealth will slip away from that childish man who constantly watches the stars; what can the stars in the sky do to help retain wealth? (or for that matter, power?)' - a sad commentary on all those who go around desperately looking for the `right' stone for them; those who insert innumerable a's, e's and s's into their names to satisfy numerology; those politicians who seek to appease gods and goddesses by yagnas near their seats of power, instead of taking care of the needs of the people?

 `Unsubdued jungle tribes live in their own territory, are brave, fight in daylight and with their ability to seize and destroy communities, behave like kings'.   Kautilya was referring to Maoists?? Or the tribes in the north east, who want their own writ to run in specific areas??

That there were culprits who thought nothing of desecrating temples and holy places even those days, emerges from the rule that those were urinating or defecating in or near such places were fined heavily.  And, hold your breath, there was a heavier penalty for those who chose to practice sex with the images of goddesses.  Now, who said modern day India is forgetting its heritage?


Drinking halls were all owned by the king (yes, and the Tamil Nadu government just took a leaf out of Arthashastra when it appropriated the business of local liquor vends and for the same reason - mobilising resources for the government as well as ministers).  They were required to have seating areas and sleeping areas, perfumed and decorated with flowers, for the comfort of those getting sozzled!!  I can hear concerted sighs from avid drinkers.  But one rule was the same - drinks had to be consumed inside the hall and could not be taken out!!   Kautilya had decreed that `providing sexual entertainment to the public' was also a state monopoly and all such establishments were public sector enterprises.   Boy, such a PSU would become a Navaratna equivalent in the shortest possible time now.


There was a category of women who did not stir out of their houses – widows, handicapped women, unmarried women and the like.  Work was sent by the textile commissioner through his own maid servants to the homes of such women.  First signs of BPO and work-from-home initiatives!!


The use of women to delude and entrap enemies was extensive and permitted.  Now we know, why the Helens, the Bindus, the Jyothilaxmis were cast in that mould in so many movies.  Film directors only made things more interesting by throwing in melodious songs accompanied by riveting dances!!


 But women had their share of problems.  They were included in the list of properties owned by men, along with pledges and deposits.  So, Draupadi was not alone in being traded off!!  What was that, lightning?  No, just the collective impact of the induced glimmers in the eyes of hordes of desperate husbands, marvelling at the immense potential of that idea, I guess!!  Am sure the wives would want to reciprocate wholeheratedly!

If stolen or misappropriated property was not restored to the rightful owner within a reasonable time, full compensation was given from the king's resources and part of the compensation came from the officers who failed in their duties.   Do you see what the presumption was??  Was it that if a case cannot be solved quickly, then the authorities were seen to be in cahoots with the thieves and should therefore be penalised??  That would have ensured government officials do not get involved in such shenanigans, but then that was 23 centuries ago. Today the political mafia has turned that dictum on its head - they take all the money they can, out of public funds first, so that only a budget deficit is  available when it comes to improving the lives of commoners!


A major obsession of Kautilya's was `corruption among king's officials'.  As it should be.  He puts it nicely -`just as it is impossible to know when a fish swimming in water actually drinks a bit of that water, so it is impossible to know when a government official will misappropriate public funds'.  Again, modern day governments and officials can take immense pride in carrying on that legacy and taking it to phenomenal heights.  Kautilya lists about 40 different ways in which public officials can cheat the public and the king.  If he updated that list today, I am sure it would include Commonwealth and other Games, 2G to 100G Spectrum allocation, taking over government land to build valuable personal property etc.  And there is a list of 13 types of undesirables, who amass wealth by causing hardship to the public; this group includes corrupt judges, king's officials, village heads, adulterators and counterfeiters.  We can teach Kautilya a few things in this area because of our domain expertise.  Corrupt officials who looted public money were then to pay back every penny and be banished to god-forsaken-places, completely bereft of temptation and opportunity. So, when can we expect the Rajas, Kalmadis, some army generals, chief ministers, central ministers and many of their ilk to be sent to the Antarctic??  Problem is, they may collude to sell all the ice and cause the worst environmental disaster!


Kings in financial distress could resort to taking over temple lands to augment the resources of the treasury.  So, that is where the politicians derive their inspiration in this matter??  It is not `service to god' that attracts the tribe to come into the temple administration business, but the lure of the lucre, right??  Interestingly another recommended method of resource mobilisation for the king-in-distress is `begging from a powerful, foreign king'!  Wow, looks like the seeds of ADB, World Bank and foreign government borrowings were sown long, long back!!


Micro finance institutions and money lenders with usurious intent would not have faced too many problems during those times; the accepted rate of interest for low risk transactions was 15% p.a; moderately risky transactions attracted 60% p.a. and high risk transactions, hold your breath, 240% p.a.  I am sure, SKS and a few other harried companies would probably want to look for a time machine and a wormhole!!

The punishment prescribed for illegal mining and stealing of ore was a penalty of 8 times the value stolen.  Nice.  When can we expect some political majors who are miners in Andhra, Maharashtra and Karnataka to cough up?? And be banished too??

It is very heartening to note this rule - plaintiff should file a response to any statement or rebuttal submitted by the defendant on the same day, usually.  The system recognized the fairness of this since the plaintiff brought the suit of action against the defendant.  With each intervening decade (during the past 2300 years), some grace period was innocuously added to this provision and see what the result today is?  An unmanageable backlog of cases -majority of them frivolous or even downright false; and view that against the other rule that all cases were to be settled then in 45 days or so.  But then, why would our government want to provide such solace to the suffering public, when much more pressing are the interests of hungry lawyers and shameless politicos??

Read this gem - `After an official is appointed by the king, the former shall not ask for special favours from the public, shall not indulge in unseemly activities, shall not associate with disreputable  and wicked people'.  Imagine, if this rule were to be implemented strictly today, who would want to be a politician, except the genuinely honest ??  In actuality, what prevails is the absolute opposite of this requirement.

Another simple tenet - `the king shall scrupulously and thoroughly investigate all the qualities of an individual he is considering for appointment as a minister'.  Insert `Mr.Singh, the Prime Minister and Mr.Thomas, CVC, where appropriate and see the result!!


Whenever there was a danger from specific animals like rats, a rat-tax was levied.  Each family was expected to bring in a certain number of dead rats to prove they had worked for the common good.  Great rule, I think.  Since the perennial menace nowadays is the corrupt politician, what could a reasonably similar rule be for our society??

Kautilya says that the King, as the custodian of the people, should always avert all calamities, remove all obstructions to economic activity and  prevent loss to the state and people.  Where have we moved now??  To frequent state sponsored bandhs, riots, processions, rallies and other mindlessly violent political pursuits which deprive both the state and common man of revenue and income.

Well, there is much more in Arthashastra, but I can see that we will get nowhere with this, so let me stop.

 

Corruption Institutionalised and Nationalised

Some time back, the Supreme Court (SC) had advised the government to see if corruption can be legalized, no doubt agonized by the endemic presence of the malady in India.  Reactions within my household were different -- my father tut-tutted, shook his head in sombre acknowledgement, but did not want to waste any words on a situation which he sees as beyond redemption; I was simultaneously amused by the judges' dig at the politicians and ashamed as an Indian; my son smirked and said that SC judges had not lost their sense of humour.  Dripping sarcasm notwithstanding, the comment probably reflected the thinking of a good chunk of the right-minded and corruption-stricken  population, which could not see a way out of the quagmire into which various government departments have descended over the past few decades.  While being acutely aware of the utter seriousness of the issue and the distress this causes to people at various levels, this scribe attempts to see a set of bizarre and ridiculous outcomes, should the government choose to pick up the gauntlet thrown by the SC.

The Scenario:  Indian Parliament legalizes corruption by unanimously approving a new law.  Not a single member of the combined Houses voted against the legislation.  When a voice vote was done first, the speaker thought she heard some 3000+ voices in favour, whereas the combined strength should have the maximum decibel level supported by around 750 people.  Confused, she resorted to checking the numbers via hand vote and found that it was still almost double the total strength of the houses; she found out that was because almost all the members, carried away by their enthusiasm, were holding up both hands and some feet also.  Finally it was concluded that all those present were fanatically in favour of the new law - only because they harboured this pious hope that India will finally be rid of corruption!!  No other ulterior motive in this, they vouched!!  There were 56 absentees, ironically due to the fact that those MPs were in jail, facing criminal or corruption charges; there was not an iota of doubt as to which way these worthies would have voted.

Coming down to the nitty-gritties like `fixing' the legalised charge, while seasoned seniors in the hierarchy advocated a `whatever the traffic will bear' dictum to drive the collection into the kitty, the more `disciplined' lot wanted a ceiling to be prescribed.  A cap of 5% on the amount payable to the government was fixed for ad valorem computation of Speed Money (SM) in the cases involving individuals.  Oh, this writer forgot to record the fact that the lawmakers jubilantly removed the word `bribe' from the lexicon of the government and administration in India and smugly substituted it with `Speed Money'.  10% was the corresponding cap prescribed for transactions involving companies/business.  Some sources indicated that some Ministries, especially the Telecom ministry, were not amused with the low cap and they argued that they can rake in almost 300% of the value of the contracts currently, with their deft manoevres.  Their legitimate question was why should they give up that lucre for a mere pittance??  But for now, their voices seem to have been suppressed with an iron hand by the powers-that-be!!   There were some murmurs among sophisticated government officials that there should be an `economy' rate and a higher `executive' rate to differentiate between normal and expeditious service, but this thought process is yet to gather momentum.

Speed money payable in each case will be finalised through negotiation between the payer and the government officials, subject to the ceiling prescribed.  The mandarins reasoned that if a specific rate was fixed and paid by everyone, thereby eliminating any scope for pow-wows with the public, the entire government machinery would lose touch with people completely.  This was a major concern amongst the public-service-oriented officials and they opted for a ceiling and negotiations, as in old days. Receipts will be issued for amounts inclusive of speed money, thereby maintaining a high level of integrity and transparency in the deals.  Parties can resort to a pre-determined arbitration process to break a deadlock.  Other details were left to the Ministry of Speed Money Oversight -MSMO- (yes, a new Ministry has been formed, with a Cabinet minister in charge, to monitor the functioning of the government in this critical area) to implement.  Last heard, the four senior most ministers in the central government including the Prime Minister, are lobbying intensely to grab this position, since they believe that this ministry will make the most stellar contributions to the society, politics and life in general in the country, going forward.

Some expected consequences:  Indian polity and public will see a paradigm shift in the process of selection of candidates for elections to the Municipalities, Corporations, Assemblies and Parliament.  Election Commission is expected to come up with a set of new requirements that prospective candidates should ostensibly meet before their applications for contesting the elections will be accepted.  All those who profess to be `clean' and have no corruption case against them will be disqualified summarily and they will not be eligible to even obtain the application form.   This is deemed necessary since elected representatives are expected to use their experience to be innovative in  taking the legitimized speed money regime to greater heights in the new environment, which will be somewhat restrictive due to the legal provisions.

Courts will have no jurisdiction in future, over cases involving disputes regarding speed money payment.  MSMO will be the final adjudicating authority and will have administrative offices in each district to provide effective oversight in this matter; this will definitely reduce the number of cases ending up with our judicial system currently. Vigilance Commissions (VCs) at the Centre and in the States will be completely revamped because their roles will undergo a sea change.  Their primary role will be to investigate if any government officer is acting against MSMO's directives; they will look for culprits in the ranks of the bureaucracy and its minions, who try to stymie the carefully crafted structure by omitting to collect speed money or collecting less than the optimal amount.  This obviously requires that all honest and clean officers in the VCs be cashiered forthwith and `suitably speed-money oriented' officers roped in.

The most surprising and significant fallout of this new law has caused consternation among all central and state government employees.  This tribe, which is used to a steady income in the form of salary, even though it was a small portion of their overall compensation, has been stung by the proposal that the government will no longer be `responsible' for the compensation (salary, allowances etc) payable to the employees.  While the scales of pay and allowances will be determined by the government as is done now, the various departments have to defray this expense directly from their speed money collections.  This master stroke by the government will ensure that the entire government machinery flexes its muscles to maximise the collections (because their take-home pay will come out of this) and there is no scope for weak-links, who are drags on the overall efficiency of the system.  While excess accrual of Speed Money (over and above the compensation) can be distributed among the various employees, short collection will not be made up from the government coffers.  This means there is a clear incentive for all the government employees and departments to pull, as a team, in the same direction.  People realise this is something which has never happened before and are excited about this development.   Also, various officers in the hierarchy will be kept honest by the need for sharing the speed money with everyone else in the office and this will serve as an in-built mechanism for control and audit. The clear advantage for the public is that all revenues received by the government will be used for development work, without any portion being swallowed by the officials.   Various third world countries are so impressed by this model that they are waiting to see how India successfully implements this, before asking for help to import the same.

All agents will be completely eliminated and all dealings will be directly between the citizen and the government.  What more can one ask for from a government?  Imagine walking into a document registration office, where you have to pay Rs.130,000 as registration charges.  You pay some Rs.5200 extra as speed money and pronto, the job is done and you are out of the place with the registration done.  Sounds like the epitome of efficiency to this writer!!

Sorry, what was that question??  `What if some officials demand a `bribe' over and above the prescribed  limit of speed money'?  Oh, damn, well, hmmmm, errrrrr, you mean to say that is likely to happen?  Just because Indian government officials cannot envisage a life without bribes?? Are  you saying we will be back to where we began, despite all the good work done with this new legislation??  Does someone have a solution??

Indira Gandhi remembered

 This is in response to an article on Indira Gandhi, her assassination and her imposition of Emergency
in the 70s.  Brief comments on some aspects of IG:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The article on IG is excellent, I must say.  While you have talked about her assassination, you have
not identified the reason leading up to that sad event as another case in point, demonstrative IG's
courage and determination.  She would have probably applied the same rule to deal with Kashmir
and Maoists.  But it is also a sad fact that she had as much to do with the creation of Bhindranwale
as anyone else, so she sowed the seeds of tragedy herself.  Now, going back to our Literature days,
it is pretty easy to identify IG as a Shakespearean tragic heroine, in the same mould as Macbeth,
Hamlet et al.  She had everything in her  to become probably the best PM we have ever had and achieve
much more during her life time, but she did have the tragic flaws you have talked about, which limited
her accomplishments.

Re emergency, I am walking out on a limb, I know, when I say that probably Indians deserve a somewhat
benign dictator.  While we can boast of being the largest democracy and of holding successful (??) elections
frequently, the fact remains that ours is a flawed version of democracy where the politicians are running
rampant with their dens of corruption and lawlessness, bringing all institutions into various degrees of
disrepute.  It has come to such a pass that we feel ashamed that we dont have a good candidate we can vote
for, most of the times.  You have to choose among the evils and settle for the least evil demon to vote for.
Under the circumstances, if something like an emergency is clamped by a benign (this is indeed the operative
word) dictator and he/she works towards cleaning up the mess we have created in the name of democracy,
I would be all for it.  Yes, some of the `extreme' liberties one has today (like destroying public property during
protests, throwing mikes/chairs inside an assembly, accumulating personal wealth by lining one's pockets with
public funds, going on strikes for the flimsiest of reasons etc) might be
taken away or dealt with more severely, but then such things dont matter to law-abiding men-on-the-street
anyway, so long as the ability to protest lawfully is not withdrawn.

This is like talking of political discontent in Singapore.  I was chatting once with a couple of Singaporean
Members of Parliament (one from a Tamil party and another from Lee's party).  While the Tamil MP was saying
Lee was a benign dictator, who meant well but did not allow for complete freedom for other parties to `express'
themselves on some issues, the other MP said with the kind of education levels prevailing in Singapore (at that
time i.e. around the early 80's), they needed very stringent guidelines for people to follow.   Some guiding hand
was necessary so that people dont go berserk in the name of freedom and democracy.

That is exactly what we need in India and I long for someone like IG with a lot more faith in himself/herself to come
through and be that guiding hand for Indians.  Otherwise, we will get completely overwhelmed by the corrosive
greed of politicians and others of their ilk.

I know journalists like you and others who want democracy to be completely absolute will not subscribe to the above,
but then I am a common man who desires that the cancer afflicting our country gets excised and quickly.  Do we know
another, more effective way of achieving this??

A R Rahman

I dont know how many of you have listened to the songs of Endhiran.  I, for one, was absolutely baffled by
what Rahman has come up with.  As with Ravanan, in which album I struggled to identify one song of
passable music interest, Endhiran music is an unmitigated disaster (unless, of course, I have missed something). Amidst all the noises produced by the instruments and the singers, something more seems to have been
forgotten than just melody, which has been the casualty more often than not.  As Rahman gets more seasoned,
one expected him to juggle with various expectations and still provide tunes which had a nodding resemblance
to the ones he surged into the music world with.  But he seems to be focusing more and more on techno music
and all the moans and screeches that are expected to be pleasing the `youth'.  I can assure you that the `young'
in me is far from pleased and I would like to know how others feel.  I am coming around to believe that those who say Ilayaraja was much more consistent all through his career in delivering hits/good tunes, have not lost their marbles. Unless Rahman does a reverse musical somersault to go back to what worked with most of us till some 5 years ago, he might as well stick to the western world and produce more of the instrumental cacophony that he is getting to be identified with nowadays.

Learning Golf

I lived in Jakarta for almost 6 years.  During that time, despite what was inevitably perceived as a crying need as well as a business protocol and despite having performed that ritualistic abomination for over two decades elsewhere, a soundless shudder went through my spine every time an invitation for an event landed on my desk.   Of course, the disadvantage with that kind of a shudder is that my colleagues and the secretary could not feel a thing because it was silent.  They went about  their chores, enviously mumbling `Lucky Mr.Varad - he gets to go to all the glitzy events'.  If only they knew!!  The primary reason for the activation of that minor quake was simple - within 45 seconds of meeting anyone i.e. even before he lets go off your hand, the first question popping out was `How is your golf?'.  And I didnt play the game!  I had no problem not playing the game because that was a very conscious choice, but it was terribly upsetting that I had to confront those arched eyebrows, tilted heads and vague smiles, which were simultaneously patronizing and distancing, if you know what I mean!  As if one did not belong if one was not a golfer.

Members of the the expatriate community, especially Indians, initially sounded as if everyone was part of the PGA Tour and was a practice partner of Tiger Woods (he had kept all his shenanigans still buried under those `greens' then).   Even after getting to know each other much better, during group conversations, they would turn to me and reconfirm that I had not, by mistake, commenced golfing.  And all those patronizing signs would shine again, like high-beam-headlights.  I quickly learnt an effective counter.  Having been conspiratorially told by a good friend that most of these were pretend-golfers and had handicaps in 4 digits (they probably reached the green after a few days, that too with considerable help after losing their way), I put on my own condescending look and innocuously asked these chaps at an opportune moment, when everyone in the group was listening, `Oh, good....you must be very good?  What is your handicap?'.  With that one query, most people did feel deflated enough to steer clear of me, towards neutral territory.  But I had nothing against golf and was determined to take it up, but in my mind it had its time!

The reason I chose not to play golf then was that I spent all my Sundays in the cricket field, being active in Jakarta Cricket League games.  My rationale was - when I could still run about, let me play cricket and when I could only walk with a stick in hand for support, let me take up golf - more or less.  I did see golf as very slow and that opinion has not changed significantly today, after I have commenced playing.

So, when I finally arrived at a course in Bangalore, along with another former University level cricketer friend who had a similar, healthy dislike for the pace of golf during our cricket days, I was apprehensive about not lasting long.   The coach sized me up, asked me why I was taking up the game so late.   I could see he had made up his mind that I would live forever with a 4-digit-handicap until I breathe my last, still in search of my first green, actually any green, with a pitching iron in my hand.   He did not seem impressed when I said I was playing other games, so did not have time for this august sport.  The baleful look in his eyes told me he was thinking of `marbles', `gilli-danda' and the like, that too during school-days.  He shrugged and physically moved me some distance from the other, fit-looking youngsters, swinging golf clubs in the range, as if he would want to hide me away.  He explained the posture, the permitted and prohibited movements during the shots and left me to swing my free arms for the next half hour.   That half hour seemed, to me,  pretty much like what grim-looking doctors, doubtfully looking at complex panels, call the `most critical half hour' that will determine whether the patient has a better chance of after-life than life-thereafter.  Nothing in hand, bent into an unnatural and therefore uncomfortable slouch, swinging my hands in an arc from back to front, with the upper and lower limbs struggling to keep their required positions and the ankles assuming some weird final angles at the finish - I was ready to acknowledge that our friend Woods was fully entitled to all his skirmishes and more as perquisites,  if he was doing this for a living for years!!

After what seemed an eternity, the coach materialised with an `iron' and a bucket of balls, indicating that it was not yet time to trigger his plan to abandon the sinking ship.  He asked me to pay attention, placed a ball in front of himself, used the club to hit the ball sweetly some 100 yards without any seeming effort, even before I could get a look at how he was doing that; repeated this ritual a few times - I could still not manage a complete look at a single shot - and smiled very pityingly at me as if to say `It is that simple, but am not sure you can do it'.   But he mouthed some encouraging platitudes, to acknowledge the coaching fees I had paid earlier and gave the club to me and said `Have a go'.   Then he took a position behind me, resigned to the anticipated outcome.

The first ball I hit - no, that is not an accurate statement from an honest scribe -
rather, I tried to hit, stayed firmly and stubbornly exactly where it always was, even after I had finished my stroke.   I was confused because I knew I had hit something with a thump and that flew in front of me in a lump.  I looked around and found that my first golf stroke had dislodged about 0.5% of the grass that the golf course owned and that chunk had flown a few feet in front of me, leaving a crater about one foot behind the obstinate ball.   The coach looked at the crater, assessing the damage to the real estate and whether it was prudent to collect the penalty after every stroke or at one go after the session was over.  He seemed to conclude the later option made more sense and asked me to try again, helpfully moving the ball a bit away from the man-made crater.  Somehow, I felt he was just ensuring that the crater did not get enlarged.  This time, boy, I was exhilarated by the fact that I connected alright.  I looked ahead, up in the air, to locate the ball and realised that I had played what was probably the straightest of straight drives, all along the ground - something I had been trying to do in vain for over 35 years in cricket.  What do you know, the coach seemed more relieved than me and was almost convinced that I could continue at least for the rest of the session.

Then various shots flew in all sorts of unintended directions - there were inside out lofted drives over deep point, lofted cover drives,  on-drives through mid-wicket and mid-on, you name it and I had hit the shot that day.  "Spraying"  is the word that comes to mind.  It was almost as if the `iron' had recently acquired a mind of its own, apart from its head, and was working independent of the intentions of the golfer and was out to prove who was in control.  I was no match for it and was beaten hands down.  Another thing that happened repeatedly was that while there was adequate space around the ball, I was bent upon  hitting the top of the ball (pretty difficult, you know, even if you actually `try' to do that) with the bottom of my club.   Instead of soaring up, the ball kept sinking deep into the mud. The coach was grimly commentating all the time -`back swing is not coming down straight', `upper body is moving', `look at your feet, not where they should be', `you are not looking at the ball when making contact', `you are lifting your head', etc etc.  And all those about 250 things had to be co-ordinated for every stroke. If about 10 are not right, one played a handsome, Sehwag-like lofted cover-drive, except that the ball was unfortunately very different.  I understood why one should start early with golf, kind of.

Well, I think I hit about 150 balls in that session and got some 10 or 15 to go where all of them should have.  Very depressing it was, to me.  But the coach seemed very satisfied, not with my game but with his own prognosis having been on the coin.  Then we moved to the putting green.  After the usual demonstration and theoretical explanation of the posture, the movement etc by the coach, I tried my hand in that too.  I felt that whenever I had pushed the ball towards the hole (and it was no further than 18 inches away) and it was almost in (let me assure you that was not frequently), I swear the hole shrunk significantly, having received direct communication from the approaching ball.  Obviously, the result was the ball, which was 18" away from the hole earlier ended up about 18 feet away.  The ball, the hole, the putter - they were all in cahoots to embarrass and humiliate the first time golfer and sap his spirit.  And the coach must have orchestrated all this during the half hour I was swinging my arms wildly. 

And what is the current status, you ask??  Well, it has been a few months now.  I still hit some balls on the head and some go to deep point, cover and mid-wicket, but generally am able to move in the direction of the green.  I suspect the course authorities, after my first few sessions on the driving range, widened everything for people like me and the holes were also apparently made larger (since they had no control over the size of the ball and anyway this was the easier option) so that people like me don't feel discouraged, slighted and frustrated.  But, I realise one thing.  When you play for fun, it does not matter when and after how many strokes you reach the hole.  I don't even count most days.  It is indeed a great walk in the vase expanse of green and the Bangalore weather is a great bonus.  The smell of grass is absolutely sensational, especially after the overnight rain and the gentle breeze is so soothing.  What is more, you don't need anyone else to play golf with.  You just take a caddy and go along your own way;  let people in a hurry pass; take your own time over your shot.  It is a journey for a few hours and that is what matters.  I enjoy that alright.

But, what about cricket??  You know what, ready for that any day!!  And I am glad I played club level cricket until the state of the body pushed me to the driving range.  Instead of running, I am walking now, but I have old friends bellowing to me `Atta-boy, so, finally you are ageing gracefully, with golf'!!  Yes, indeed and I am happy.

Lost and never found!!

Seven of us in the gated community we live in (Vista) were pilloried for a couple of weeks - they called the process persuasion.  We were being coercively-cajoled into being members of the Management Committee (MC) for the coming year.  In February, even before the nebulous contours of our potential responsibilities got a semblance of definition, we got bulldozed into a `unanimous election process'.  In short order, we were led like lambs for slaughter to a platform for the community to hail the outcome.

While various other initiatives have been worked on with the knowledge of the residents, we kept one from their prying eyes till now and recently we decided to share this info with them.  The following communication was the means through which the dissemination took place:

"We think it is time to share with the community this information, lifting the curtain on a rather secretive project that has been undertaken by some members of the current MC.  If a member of the team was caught snooping around late in the night, during what looked like a regular post-prandial stroll or a couple of members were found suspiciously inspecting nooks and corners no self-respecting member of the community would have been seen in, there was always a good reason for that.  We have been doubling up as sleuths, voluntarily taking on the undeclared responsibility of restoring lost items to their rightful owners.  We thought we would keep this under the wraps and see the joy on the faces of the `missers' when we restored their 'missings' to them.   While the intentions have been very good, the results have not been very heartening, we should admit.  And herein lies the rub.

One of the things we did on priority when we took over was to check the email database and tabulate all the items mentioned as lost during the past few years.  What we found was staggering, to say the least.  Here goes:

-- Cricket bats which could have been used by about 5 full teams were reported missing.  We suspect that the bats have become part of a sustainable fuels related project, at the behest of someone who is partial to football.  I am sure he thought that the bats were being put to better use, after having seen the quality cricket games in Vista!! (Villas 1X7, X1, X3 and all the others,  take heart; we have not given up; we are made
of stronger stuff than that).

-- A couple of villas reported duplicate key bunches were missing.  It has been a few years since then.
Our immediate endeavour was to ensure that the owners were not standing outside the front door, stranded and waiting for the keys to surface.  Of course, we realised Vista residents are smarter than that - they must have quickly resorted to other solutions. (Villa X3 was one of the two, I think.  The other owner one probably moved residence!).

-- Quite a few people had lost umbrellas, shoes, slippers, sandals.  The team found, to its dismay, that information on the missing items in the database was neither adequate in terms of size, colour, brand etc nor graphic enough to enable differentiation amongst a whole lot of umbrellas and footwear we found invitingly lying around or attached to various residents.  (Sorry,  Villas XX7, X8, X1  - while we pursued
our search vigorously, there was very little hope because such items didnt seem to carry distinct identities, without which, you will agree, we were helpless!)

-- The most interesting missing item I personally identified was some `thread'; owner of Villa X5 had reported this.  Since the date of reporting was very close to Aavani Avittam, we patted ourselves on our backs for our sleuthing abilities and went about looking for `that type of thread'; but to no avail; we do hope he found the thread and did the right thing on that and subsequent Aavani Avittams.  Kudos to owner of V X5 - way to go, it takes courage to report this kind of loss!

-- We found that the owner of V 14X was identified with at least 3 different missing items; a cycle, a blackberry and something else.  We are asking her to hire her own detective team, for her past and future requirements, due to the inviolable rule that we cannot devote too much time on one household.

-- Now, we found some very baffling statements, in the process.  Mrs. S was missing children's play area; somebody was missing the `blue swimming pool' (I know that during our reign it had turned a bit green for a while, but we are saddened by this tendency of people to go to the extreme); someone seemed to indicate that he/she was missing the lake (we understand it was covered by water hyacinth but we swear we could see water here and there.  And, with Mr.N as the custodian, any attempt to physically transplant the lake would be a non-starter, you will agree!!).  We confess, we did not even go around looking for these items. 

-- Then came the absolute impossibles; these various items were listed in the context of `missing' things - `energy and enthusiasm', `human relationships and interactions', `big picture' (this was very dicey; we could not make out whether a very big picture was actually involved in this) etc etc.  While our smart team could hope to put its arms around `real' missing items, even we could not look for abstract things like these; so, we diligently and wisely excluded these items from our list, right at the beginning.  We did the next best thing to finding these - discussed this threadbare in a meeting for about 3 hours and concluded with deep sighs and huge headshakes.

-- There were a couple of inexplicable items with references to missing paras from some email message and the missing page of a passport with a visa stamp.  Well, well - when we reached these, we figured what faced us was a daunting and uphill task and decided to wind up our expedition, without further ado.  The only thing we could do was to write this note, so the community at least came abreast of our intent.  We agree, we do not have too much to show for our efforts. 

Signed by PV
Not on behalf of the MC

PS:  As usual, my severest critic of all times , who lives in my household and goes into the `teacher' mode with me whenever she gets an opportunity, told me that it is inappropriate to indicate the age of people I have named.  She had just passed me by (that is very normal), casting a look at this note and catching the vague outline of the numbers against the names.  Before I could clarify that those are villa numbers, she had deducted 10 marks from my score for the day and gone to work!!

Interested in this retainer contract??

`Arre, tumhara naam Varadarajan hai ki nahin; mai khali number confirm karne ke liye phone kar rahaa hun' said an oily voice, with a hint of impatience because, as usual, I was trying to dance around the periphery

with the call from an unknown number, prompting the caller to repeat his query for the third time.  By now, I was not only irritated with the intrusion but was galled by the rudeness of the individual.  I disconnected

without answering the question and started to read through the article on the betting scandal haunting the Pakistan Cricket team.

I had just returned after the Sunday cricket game inside Adarsh Vista, the community in which I live now -capped by a last ball win I had personally handed over to the opponents.  I had the ball in my hand and had coolly run 5 yards towards the wicket and was close enough to crash the ball into the stumps with the batsman nowhere in sight; and at the last moment, had tossed the ball to the beckoning wicket keeper, who seemed keen to receive the ball and do the needful.  But, lo and behold, just as the ball left my hand, the guy stood up and let it float away.  I felt like a fool because, between us, we fluffed a sitter, thereby converting a certain 'tie' into a frustrating loss for our team.  Some seven pairs of eyes, to which my team-mates were attached,  balefully glared at me, as if my stupidity had resulted in the first ever defeat for them.  Their angst, as that of all the unseen spectators, was perfectly justified.  I was responsible for the loss and was immersed in a healthy dose of self-pity, when the above call came.  I am sure the readers can comprehend my reaction, even though the caller probably was livid!

Two hours later, another man called; this voice was suave and pretty cultured and the caller desired conversation with me after confirming that I was who I was supposed to be.  But the opening gambit from his side had the potential to derail the discussion right-away --- he offered a retainer for me to be on his roll.  I did not realise that my consultancy work had acquired such a global reputation that strangers would offer deals over phone.  So, I  balked at this and the caller smartly figured out I was confused.  He offered to elaborate.  He said the retainer was for aiding a start-up betting company in Bangalore, especially for subtle collaboration during future cricket games.  He wanted to leverage my standing in the community and my proven ability to screw-up easy opportunities, as evidenced during that morning's game, to spread the tentacles of his start-up betting company.  He said he heard from his head-hunter about me after the last-ball bungling of mine that day and made an immediate, board-level decision that I was immensely qualified to be on his roll. He even offered to rename me ---choices were `Walajah Raja'  (just to let me retain a semblance of dignity and a bit of my name)!! Or something totally off the wall his Board would decide.   Citizenship of Pakistan could be organized and I could be settled in pretty quickly, once I graduated from Sunday Vista cricket (no, not in cricket skills; he hinted there was no hope of that at all; but in terms of improvement as a furtive collaborator) to higher planes within the organization.  I was told that being a wicket keeper, I had the incredible opportunity to be a direct understudy with Kamran Akmal  and climb up the rankings in their domain, if I fulfilled my promise as a bungler.  I was even told that I had the good fortune of hobnobbing with some of the Pakistani greats - past and contemporary -  in the entire gamut of activities from spot-fixing to throwing matches, so that I picked up the intricacies of the trade quickly.

Disoriented by this direct assault without any preamble, I was stuttering wildly just as Wodehouse made Lord Emsworth stutter whenever the latter was confronted with a perilous situation involving his favourite pig, the Empress.  That, this man decided was the result of dilemma on my part and went on a `convincing drive',  to apply further pressure by stating that I would not be alone in this recruitment drive.  A captain from that Sunday's game, who completely 'forgot'  the presence of an ace-bowler in his team till the last over and thereby contributed a good chunk of runs by over-bowling himself and that man who was pretending to be the wicket keeper to me during my last ball gaffe, were both on the list and were being approached as we spoke.  This captain had the markings of being a good deputy to Salman Butt, he said. Actually he had a good point.  He challenged me to explain why I, being a regular wicket keeper was fielding at square leg and the `pretender' wicket-keeper, who was from the batting side, managed to displace me at the crucial time!!  Obviously I had no explanation.  And he chuckled with the satisfaction of a man who has done a good day's work and said that his talent-spotter had done a great job of rounding us up for his company.

It did'nt look like those guys would take a `no' for an answer.  I am scurrying around to find out what the others are doing, so that our collective response is appropriate!!

PS:  Just heard on Radio Pakistan - `Now, on to Sports News.  First, we will look at all the results of tomorrow's cricket matches.........' (I borrowed that from some other source).